Yes. It’s true. There was a time in my life when a little boy who was in kindergarden had me visualizing throwing him down the stairs. After he crawled back up the stairs, I pictured myself spitting on him and throwing him back down the stairs. I obviously couldn’t ever imagine taking action on the vision, but I was so disturbed that I even had this thought in my head. The thing is, I actually really love children, so this visualization was totally out of character and I felt horrible about it.
It had nothing to do with that little boy who was a genius at pushing my buttons.
It had everything to do with that fact that I was leading a double life and I was mad about it. My soul wanted one thing and my actions didn’t align.
After I graduated college and dabbled in the unpredictable wild world of professional dance, I was offered a safe opportunity with a paycheck to teach dance for kindergarden thru 3rd grade for a public school. I thought, “This job has all the things a good little adult could ever dream of and my parents would be so proud of me. It comes with a 401k, paid vacation and sick days, a salary and the big whammy, health benefits. It feels like what I’m supposed to do. I’ve gotta take it!”
So I did.
My first day I was made aware of my teaching situation. In one of the schools I had my own classroom. The thing was it was super teeny tiny, hot and stuffy and I was supposed to teach thirty children how to dance there. In the other school I didn’t have a classroom so I was supposed to teach dance in an already too full room with desks and chairs. It wasn’t ideal. Although the principal was extremely nice, I was constantly being observed and told I had to do things differently. I started to notice more and more that this job was soul sucking. It exhausted me so much that I didn’t have time to explore what it was I loved because I was so tired all the time.
I remember one time a little girl came into my classroom and obviously had the flu. Before I sent her to the nurse I hugged her because I wanted to catch the flu myself so I wouldn’t have to go to work. Another time I hurt my back really bad. The doctor told me I couldn’t go to work for a week and I cheered. Yes folks it’s true. I cheered a back injury.
At my job most of the kids loved me and looked forward to my classes. Even though that was the case, every morning when I my alarm went off I would give it the evil eye and had the hardest time getting myself out of bed. I desired to stay in bed forever. While I was driving I would fantasize about getting into a car accident so I wouldn’t have to go to work. While at my job I would stare at the clock and pray that time would move faster for me, except when I had a break and then I would pray that time would stay still forever.
I felt like I was acting like a spoiled brat because I had a job, a real job and it came with a salary and benefits.
The kids I taught were so cute and full of life and promise. They played, they had fun and they followed their bliss. I was so jealous of them and it triggered the crap out of me which is why I visualized pushing that sweet little boy down the stairs and spitting on him. It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me feeling trapped because my soul wanted one thing, but my actions were showing that I wanted another thing. I was leading a double life.
I decided that day I was going to leave the job that everyone was so proud of me for getting, even though I had no idea what I was going to do next. I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills and was going to end up homeless and starving. It was the end of the year so I chose to finish out the school year and then resign. When I went in to have the talk with the principal I thought I was going to die. My body was reacting as if I was being chased by a tiger because I was so scared. I kept on hearing messages that came from a place of fear for my life that said, “Run! Run for your life.” But I didn’t and I felt the fear and decided to talk to the principal anyway.
When I got into her office she sat me down and before I could get a word in she said, “Due to budget cuts we are eliminating your position. We are all very upset about this because the kids loved you so much and you were doing such a great job. The good news is you’ll be getting unemployment until you figure out what to do next and I’ll give you a positive recommendation.” I pretended I was sad about what she had just said and left her office. When I was out of sight I did a victory dance. When I got in my car I screamed, “Woooooooooo!” at the top of my lungs. It felt like the best day of my life.
Receiving those unemployment benefits allowed me to explore what I really wanted to do and led me to where I am today.
Can you relate to this? Don’t let yourself get to the point to where you want to throw a sweet child down the stairs and spit on him.
Close your eyes and put your hand on your heart. Ask yourself, “Is there a way I can shift my current situation to be more in alignment with my soul’s purpose?” If you answered YES, leave a comment below sharing what that would look like and your plan of action.
If the answer was NO, leave a comment below sharing what your first action step is going to be.
I am enrolling people into my Rock Your Mentorship program who are in love with live music who want the good life to continue after the festival ends. If you are in a situation like the one I was in I would love to support you. Fill out the no-commitment application >>>here. Want to know more? Check out the program >>>here.
The awesome in me sees and bows to the awesome in you,